Apr 04 2013
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Tim Mathieson’s Sweet Death Dowry

905313-mathieson

If you’re a would-be assassin, a John Wilkes Booth in the making, and the only thing that had stayed your hand was the fear of the financial future of the partner of our Prime Minister then this is the news story for you. Of course, if you don’t fit this description this isn’t for you and is definitely not a news story.

The Australian‘s Gemma Jones published an article this morning covering Tim Mathieson’s death dowry were Prime Minister Gillard to die first. You may well be thinking that there isn’t much of a story here, particularly as this payment applies to “any MP elected before 2004 who meets minimum service requirements” but that isn’t the case because don’t you know that the Prime Minister is capable of dying. It’s happened before. Some of our finest Prime Ministers have died so it could happen to Gillard too.

As the article details:

Widowed spouses and partners are entitled to just over 83 per cent of the tax-payer funded defined benefit retirement pensions afforded to MPs… The Prime Minister’s pension has been estimated at $177,000 a year.

This leaves Mathieson with a pension of approximately $150,000 a year. Beautiful. Now all he has to do is kick back and wait for the love of his life to die so he can live that sweet cashed up lonely life that we all dream about.

Let’s put aside for a moment that this pension would be considered $100,000 below struggling in Western Sydney. The Australian has uncovered a rort. Will the Prime Minister publicly announce that she is not planning to live an exceedingly short life so that we regular Joe Fatpacks have to reach into our back pocket and pay for her grieving spouse?

Of course she won’t. She’ll probably point to the fact that due to office costs and other pensions former Prime Ministers cost exceeding amounts of money and that an untimely death would be the smart fiscal decision.

The transparent glee evident in the writing of this article is indicative of thirty drafts passed back and forth between writer and editor in which hypothetical situations depicting the way Gillard might (and SHOULD) die were slowly edited away.

You can almost hear Paul Kelly say “You’re on the right track, Jones. We just need you to remove the four page description of a bear attack in Kirribilli House.”

Jones goes on to specify that even weird unmarried relationships between losers count as relationships:

Since Ms Gillard and Mr Mathieson’s relationship began while she was an MP, he would be entitled to a reversionary benefit if he lived longer than the PM.
Partners are recognised if they are “legally married, de facto spouses or a partner of a person with a relationship as a couple.”

Which leads me to the question I was politely screaming throughout this entire article: what is your fucking point? Why are you writing this, Gemma Jones?

This isn’t a piece on MPs pensions. It’s specific for a reason – because it will make people irate. All over this fine nation people are choking down their cereal, staring at their partner andthinking about, were their partner to die, how their lives would only get shitty and depressing.

Are we to assume that Tim Mathieson thought Amour was a film about a business opportunity?

Is it in the Australian public’s interest to know the sweet daiquiri-filled life that awaits Tim Mathieson as soon as he can arrange the death of his life-partner?

Or is it possible that The Australian published a shitty thing to get people from both side of politics irate because it’s really fucking hard to come up with news sometime?

Only time will tell. Fortunately, time is on Mr. Mathieson’s cashed-up side.

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Apr 04 2013
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Gone Fishin’

Blogging this week at Junkee.

Check it out here:

http://junkee.com/clive-palmer-goofy-eccentric-or-something-much-more-dangerous/4011

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Mar 16 2013
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James Colley: An Ape That Thinks He’s People

My new show is on sale now. I’m writing it as we speak and am pretty proud of it.

Would love to see you fine people there.

James Colley: An Ape That Thinks He’s People tickets, tour and event information – Ticketek Australia.

James Colley: An Ape That Thinks He's People tickets, tour and event information - Ticketek Australia

 

 

Feb 24 2013
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Will the real Headline Writers please stand up?

This is a very short post while I wait for a plane so please excuse the lack of in depth detail.

Eminem’s career changed a lot in the hip hop world: His sale figures were outrageous, his mainstream appeal was never before seen amongst White America, he out performed Jay Z on Jay’s own seminal album Blueprint. But a rarely discusses aspect of Eminem’s career is how the title of one of his songs changed sub-editing into the easiest, laziest job on the planet.

Inspired by Peter Hartcher’s article ‘Will The Real Tony Please Stand Up?’ in today’s Herald I decided to do a quick search of just how often the Herald used that headline format. It seems an awful lot of people and things are being asked to stand up. The Herald is basically a giant game of musical chairs.

Here we go:

‘Will the real City please stand up?’ (27/09/12)
‘Will the real Joe Black please stand up?’ (20/03/12)
‘Will the real Campese please stand up?’ (11/04/12)
‘Will the real Waratahs please stand up?’ (02/06/12)
‘Will the real Foreign Minister please stand up?’ (13/08/10)
‘Will the real Kevin Rudd please stand up?’ (06/03/10)
‘Will the real Hussey and Hauritz please stand up?’ (09/12/09)
‘Will the real Celebrity Masterchef please stand up?’ (29/09/09)

The Herald is not alone, of course. News.com.au is also thoroughly against the idea of real people sitting:

‘Will the real Can Do please stand up?’ (8/12/12)
‘Will the real Paul please stand up?’ (29/01/12)
‘Will the real Peter Slipper please stand up?’ (11/08/12)
‘Will the real Kerry Packer please stand up?’ (8/09/12)
‘Will the real finks please stand up?’ (24/09/12)
‘Will the real Royals please stand up?’ (29/04/11)

Is anyone left seated? No? Good. We can begin the news.

Of course, I should acknowledge The Australian‘s fantastic contribution:

‘Will the real Julia stand up?’ (31/07/10)
‘Will the real Julia please stand up?’ (23/03/10)

Though at least this one has some closure:

‘Finally, the real Julia’ (1/12/12)

She had better not be sitting down.

[Note: At the time of writing my hostel's internet isn't playing nice with The Australian's search feature. I suspect there are a good deal more articles that could fit here but what I have currently will suffice.]

James Colley is a malcontent that runs this blog and tweets here.

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Feb 06 2013
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Science Stuff

Barnaby Joyce Needs To Either Understand The Climate Or Shut The Fuck Up About It.

Senator Barnaby Joyce has been willfully dense on the subject of climate change for too long. Joyce’s regular ignorance on the simplest aspects of climate science deny the chance for a reasoned debate on the effectiveness of the Carbon Tax, replacing it with head shaking bullshit.

Appearing on Alan Jones’ program yesterday Senator Joyce said:

“If you want to judge the carbon tax and how effective it is then ask yourself, well did it change the weather over Christmas? Is everybody happy about the result, because if it doesn’t make any difference, what on earth are we doing it for?”

It’s impossible to make good climate policy if you don’t understand the difference between climate and weather. Climate is the prevailing weather conditions over a long period. Climate change cannot be accurately predicted by a daily trend or even a yearly trend. Climate change is measured over decades. What Barnaby Joyce experienced wasn’t a failure of the Carbon Tax, it was summer.

Recent imaging from NASA clearly demonstrates the long term trends of global warming. Incoming data from the UK’s Met Office did change the predicted rise in temperature levels from  0.54°C to 0.43°C but that was a necessary revision to be honest with the data, not an admission of defeat. This is indicative of the way science works. We model a prediction that fits with all current data then continue to revise the prediction as we gather more data. It’s a way of being more correct without ever being wrong. The 0.54°C prediction fit the data we had up until this point. The 0.43°C prediction fits all the old data as well as newly acquired data.

Disappointingly, this is beside the point. Joyce’s bandwagon of bullshit are robbing the electorate of intelligent climate change discussion and replacing it with a primary school debate captain arguing over dictionary definitions.

The confusion between climate and weather is a recurring pattern in Joyce’s climate policy rhetoric. In a doorstop interview conducted on December 3rd Joyce said:

“It’s very hot today so the carbon tax isn’t working very well. Today is rather hot so today we’ll mark as a failure for the carbon tax.”

What a bizarre and exhausting life Joyce must live: waking every morning and checking Sunrise’s weather report only to find that the Carbon Tax will be working in the morning then not working come noon, with occasionally sprinkling patches of working throughout the afternoon.

I can’t help but feel most outraged at the journalist who heard him say this and didn’t raise their hand and reply “No, that’s dumb. Say something else, please.”

This isn’t an isolated incident. If a mistake so simple was honest, an aide would have tapped him on the shoulder a long time ago. Instead, it’s systematic ignorance he employs again and again. I’ll happily admit Barnaby Joyce is not a moron. He speaks intelligently on a range of subjects and policy matters in fields other than climate change, which makes it all the more disappointing when he fucks this up over and over. It’s like seeing Superman shit his pants. You have clearly demonstrated you can get so many other things right, how do you get something as simple as ‘don’t shit yourself’ wrong?

Barnaby Joyce talks about the Carbon Tax an awful lot for someone who doesn’t understand its intended purpose. The Carbon Tax will not, in itself, reverse climate change. The tax is designed to encourage the limitation of further climate change while incentivising alternate energies.  Global warming isn’t a monster you can shoot and kill with the right weapon. You’re thinking of that other man-made disaster, Godzilla.

There are times when Joyce seems to acknowledge this, albeit through calling the Carbon Tax a ‘gesture’. Joyce’s problem may be that he’s looking for results in the wrong places. The measure of whether the Carbon Tax is working will not be the global temperature this time next year. It will be seen in the carbon output of major polluters and in the rates at which alternate energy technologies are being employed.

There is a good debate to be had about whether the Carbon Tax is the appropriate way to fight climate change but you cannot engage in this debate unless you understand the meaning of the word ‘climate’. Barnaby Joyce is adamantly arguing one side of a debate no one else is interested in, and when you’re the only person boxing you’re just a sad man in silk shorts swinging at nothing.

To spend time on this is to draw attention away from actual analysis of the effective implementation of a carbon tax. It’s embarrassing for the representative of the Coalition to try and drag national debate back to a third grade understanding of what words mean. Joyce needs to check his dictionary definitions and move forward in a way that creates policy that acknowledges climate science.

James Colley is a human and also a comedian. Tickets for his show on behalf of RiAus at the Adelaide Fringe are available here: http://tinyurl.com/JamColley  You can follow him on twitter by clicking here.

Special Thanks to Ben Jenkins from http://www.abafflingordeal.com

 

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Feb 04 2013
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Can We Both Agree That Neither Of Us Are Adolf Hitler?

The cycle of outrage in the media is tired and distracts from real discussion. The latest scandal involving the insensitive comments of Christopher Pyne wasn’t a gaffe. It was a deliberate, calculated move to influence the news cycle, and we fell for it again all because he referenced Adolf Hitler.

It seems like a simple task. As a professional politician you should be able to look your opponent in the eye and know that, despite your differences on certain matters of policy, neither you nor your opponent are literally Adolf Hitler. If you are incapable of achieving this task  you need to book an appointment with either a psychiatrist or MOSSAD immediately.

Unfortunately this task seemed too great this week, as Coalition frontbencher Christopher Pyne referred to the Labor party as unravelling like Hitler’s government in the film Downfall. Let’s put aside whether or not the resignations are particularly scandalous at all: the media picked up on this story because Pyne used his Feynman-esque talent of picking the perfect analogy to describe a situation and decided to use it to compare the Gillard government and Adolf Hitler.

It’s not worth taking the time to go into detail as to exactly how both sides of our government are very different to the last days of Adolf Hitler’s government. If you accept that comparison on face value you should immediately get up from your computer, find an appropriately large bird cage and lock yourself in it. I assume if you can take an idea as absurd as Pyne’s without question locking yourself in a big cage won’t raise an eyebrow.

This story is particularly disappointing because people are spending time on it. To state it clearly, you do not accidentally reference Downfall. It isn’t the eighth season of The Simpsons. When you drop a reference to Downfall you do it with the knowledge that it’s a film about Nazis doing Nazi things in a Nazi way. Pyne, in referencing the film, added three days to the lifespan of the story regarding the Labor Party’s cabinet reshuffle. This is a deliberate, cynical move (and of course not an exclusive Liberal technique) executed with the knowledge that an outrageous statement will require a half-paragraph in all stories regarding the statement acknowledging the original issue of the cabinet reshuffle.

In an ideal world when Mr. Pyne made the Downfall comment a journalist at the press conference would shake the excited sparkle from their eyes, raise their hand and say “Look, quite frankly I am tired of writing this same fucking story over and over again. How about you say “Take Two”, start again and compare the Government to falling apart like a double-date on Frasier.”

It’s boring to hear someone called a Nazi. I say it’s boring because every single person actually awake at that press conference or reading at home could accurately predict the next three steps of this sad process, like a double-date on Frasier.

Something incredibly offensive is said. A member on the other side of parliament calls it offensive. The first member retracts the statement without apologising. The second says that apology isn’t good enough. I wouldn’t be surprised to find a template on a journalists computer under the filename “AusPol_Fuck_Up.docx”.

Chris Pyne, in one of those apologies where you specifically mention that you are not apologising, claimed that Mark Dreyfus’ anger was “confected outrage designed to get a headline.”  As far as I can figure, the easiest way to avoid giving your opponents an easy base-hit headline along the lines of “Area Man Outraged At Being Compared To Hitler” would be to avoid comparing them to Hitler.

Pyne’s gripe can be summarised as a classic case of the pot calling the kettle a fascist. In March 2011 Dreyfus referred to Abbott’s anti-carbon tax campaign as “Goebellian” in nature. This fell a week after the Opposition had likened Gillard to the (then living) dictator Muammar Gaddafi and oh my god we’ve elected a bunch of children into office.

Dreyfus’s defence was that Goebellian cynicism is an recognised concept in the world of propaganda and he wasn’t specifically calling Abbott a Nazi. Dreyfus defined Goebellian cynicism as “intended to refer to people that go out, deliberately spread misinformation and think that if they keep spreading the misinformation it’ll come to be accepted at fact.” This is otherwise known as propaganda. You know, the dissemination of biased or false information with the intent of promoting a particular view.

It seems we can agree on one point. Representatives of both major parties have now conceded that neither are actually Nazis, they just both really remind you of Nazis sometimes. In the same way everything tastes a little like chicken every political party are kind of like Nazis.

Frivolous Nazi accusations lessen the power of the term. Referring to your opponents as Nazis is a disservice to those who stood up to actual Nazis, granting us the freedom to piss about the way we do. More than anything else, this is a tired tactic to distract news media. Every party involved knows the statement, backlash, apology, and rejection of the apology fills another two days worth of news cycle. Obviously Chris Pyne’s comments were poorly thought out and unbelievably offensive, they came from Chris Pyne. He knew this act wouldn’t convince anyone he was right but he did it anyway, like a child throwing a tantrum on the floor of a supermarket. He wanted a little bit of attention and maybe a Milky Way bar. Something being horrible doesn’t mean it’s worthy of our attention. If anything, the back and forth on this story shows that our government and opposition are all too aware that childish name-calling is what puts their name in the paper in a way that policy discussion rarely will.

James Colley is a comedian and occasional person who runs this page and tweets at @JamColley. Tickets to his Adelaide Fringe comedy show are available from here

 

Special thanks to Tom Walker of http://www.tomwalkerisgood.com

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Jan 17 2013
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Science Stuff

On Scientific Literacy

What does it mean to be well-read in our society?

The question has been revived recently by The Guardian’s Sylvia Mclain in her article regarding the so-called ‘Brian Cox effect’. The popularity of science communicators such as Cox, Neil Degrasse Tyson, and our own Dr. Karl have been held responsible for a recent boost in scientific engagement of young people in the United Kingdom.

This leads to an inevitable discussion of the importance of scientific engagement for the average person. Mclain rightly argues that someone can be considered well read in our society if they know the works of Shakespeare and maybe a bit of Fitzgerald without knowing the slightest about quantum theory.

It’s understandable that the persona of an educated and well-read person has a bias towards the artistic fields. One reason for this might be the perceived notion that the arts are more fun to discuss. The arts allow room for vigorous debate whereas the typical conversation at a similar level regarding the sciences are often an exchange of interesting facts and tidbits, not boring by any suggestion but not as inherently engaging as someone being entirely wrong about whether or not The Wire is better than Breaking Bad.

This doesn’t necessarily need to be the case. The perceived lower-level of engaging conversation is a result of lack of scientific literacy. If as a people we had a level of scientific literacy equivalent to a Higher School Certificate level the groundwork would be laid for engagement with most modern science stories. You might not understand exactly what the Higgs Boson did but you’d be familiar with bosons as a concept and perhaps the standard model of matter. All of these are tools to allow you to interact with your world.

On one level it’s surprising that people would allow themselves to not engage with science. So much of our world is dictated by recent advancements. If I was on a regular basis holding an electronic device up to my head and occasionally using it to access my bank account I’d want to know how it works, if for no other reason than the peace of mind that comes with knowing you aren’t playing roadrunner to some unseen coyote.

There was a campaign recently headed by M*A*S*H star Alan Alda regarding a seemingly simple question: What is a flame? Alda, having asked this question as a child, found himself walking away knowing the word ‘oxidation’ but little else. Think to yourself: were a curious ten year old to ask you right now exactly what a flame is would you be able to answer? For an embarrassingly long time I couldn’t. I hadn’t been taught. I hadn’t engaged with it on my own. Fire was hot so all I needed to know to get through my day was to put meat on it and keep my genitals away from it.

The Brian Cox effect is an overwhelmingly positive thing. It represents an attempt by the scientific community to discover a middle ground. Science communicators like Cox or our own Dr. Karl are often dismissed by members of the scientific community as a pointless diversion, when in fact their role could not be more vital. A person literate in science and capable of communicating that literacy will engage those around them. This engagement provides a vital boost in both enrollment numbers in science courses and the ability to have an intelligent rational debate about how to address some of the most challenging problems our society currently faces.

Quite frankly, it’s becoming increasingly depressing to read article after article published in certain media in this country suggesting that topics like climate change are controversial in the scientific community. The numbers are in and as they currently stand the dissenting opinion against carbon dioxide forming a significant contribution to climate change is 0.17% of papers. This is the mainstream scientific view and something that we owe each other as a society to be well versed on. Expressing an opinion on climate change without understanding the scientific principles behind the consensus makes you the scientific equivalent of that guy in the tutorial who hasn’t read the text but insists on talking about what he thinks the role of the novel is in our world. No one like that guy. Shut up and eat your paste.

The size of the world of science makes it difficult to know where to begin. Fortunately, we live in a time where dedicated people have put in endless hours to provided entertaining and (perhaps more importantly) free tutorials on just about any topic you could wish. My personal recommendation would be to start with the Youtube hit Minute Physics. The fact is though, you can type just about any question you wish into google and get a decent answer, no matter how dumb it might seem initially. For example, I just decided to ask the internet if hippos like bananas for no other reason than a hippo trying to climb a tree being an amusing image. Within seconds I had learned that hippos eat all kinds of fruits (bananas included) and at night they will leave the water and march up to five miles in search of food. Will this win me the Nobel Prize? I hope so, but probably not. That’s not the point, though. I know something interesting now because I chose to engage with a question. It may not be rocket science but then again rocket science could be the next thing I google.

James Colley is a strange malcontent that runs this blog. Tickets for his show on behalf of RiAus at the Adelaide Fringe are available here: http://tinyurl.com/JamColley

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Jan 14 2013
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Prime Minister’s XI made of Prime Ministers.

The following in an extract from my show James Colley Vs. His Own Stupid Brain running at the Adelaide Fringe Festival as part of RiAus’ excellent program of science-themed comedy. This piece is heavily inspired by Greg Proops’ fantastic list of Roman Emperor baseball players et. al.

Image

The Prime Minister’s XI is a team of (usually) up-and-coming players personally selected by the serving Prime Minister to play an exhibition match in the nation’s capital against an international team. Despite it’s name, the Prime Minister’s XI isn’t actually composed of a team of Prime Ministers (with a notable exception mentioned below). As such, I have taken it upon myself to create a Prime Minister’s XI of our former and current leaders. Initially, I will name the team and its exclusions, and then go on to detail my reasons for the choice. If you disagree with a choice I enthusiastically encourage debate in the comments.

[A Small Note - Right/Left handedness does not correspond to the actual dominant hand of Australian leaders as sketchy information suggests we too firmly elect right-handers to form a truly balanced team.]

The selected team reads as follows.

Prime Minister’s XI made of Prime Ministers: Barton, Gillard, Fraser, Hawke, Menzies ( C ), Curtin (WK), Hughes, Howard, Deakin, Whitlam, Keating, Ford (12th man)

Notable Exclusions

Stanley Bruce - Known to wear white spats and drive a rolls royce, Mr. Bruce would spend the majority of the game in the upper deck of the member’s stand.

John Gorton - Desperate to prove himself as a ‘man-of-the-people’, Mr. Gorton would spend the majority of the game in the TAB.

Kevin Rudd - Could have been a quality middle-order batsman. Unfortunately, due to an incident in the locker room he retired hurt before taking the field. An attempt to retake the field resulted in further injury.

Harold Holt - Quality sportsman. Retired hurt. Unavailable for selection.

THE PRIME MINISTER’S XI OF PRIME MINISTERS

  1. Edmund Barton

Right-Hand Bat
An obvious choice for opener. If a member of the Protectionist Party can’t see out the first session no one can. As racist as the day is long you can be assured that defence was important to him, even if his tactics and motivation were abhorrent.

  1. Julia Gillard

Left-Hand Bat
The greatest proponent of a strong front-foot defence in modern political history, Julia Gillard has earned her place as an opener. Though the tactics of her opposition hasn’t been exactly incredible, there’s something to be said for digging in and facing short ball after short ball and coming out the other side. She’ll take the shine off the new ball and perhaps even question why we think it’s okay to hurl a new ball at someone over and over again.

  1. Malcolm Fraser

Right-Hand Bat
Capable of coming in and dominating after a sudden loss, Fraser represents the perfect third man. His fondness for cuts should be a matter of concern but if applied with discretion he’ll be a fine anchor. He comes in with the numbers behind him and would be expecting a big total.

  1. Bob Hawke

Left-Hand Bat
The only member of this list to actually select himself for the Prime Minister’s XI, Bob Hawke was impossible to leave out. A true battler, he retired hurt after a miss-timed hook shot send the ball cascading into his own face, Hawke returned to score the winning runs. What an incredible metaphor for the electoral process. Hawke’s a hit with the crowds with drinks breaks lasting only 11 seconds before play resumes again.

  1. Robert Menzies (C)

Right-Hand Bat
A true anchor. Easy to knock down, it’s impossible to get Menzies out. It will seem like his own time after time but he’ll just keep coming back. A tribute to the Decision Review System. His devotion to the Queen might lead to loyalty questions during the Ashes series. Elected captain on the basis of seniority it’s hard to imagine the team without him.

  1. John Curtin (VC)

Wicketkeeper / Left-Hand Bat
Strong defensive prospects put John Curtin as our natural choice for Wicketkeeper. Nicknamed “The Human Curtain” by me just then, Curtin might have let the occasional ball seep through with dramatic consequences but all in all he was tight and safe. Happy to take control of the field in a pinch he’ll double up as vice-captain.

  1. Billy Hughes

All-Rounder. Right arm medium.
The man of many parties, there isn’t a position Billy Hughes won’t take. Spending 58 years in parliament, The Little Digger will have a spot in any team. His ‘total war’ tenacity saw him hold his spot through great conflict. A solid choice to start the tail.

  1. John Howard

Right Arm Off Spin
Though his bowling action has been criticised before (see below), Howard’s spin remains second to none. He can turn a delivery so it arrives without the batsman even noticing. Though his position in the side was initially thought to be promised to the up-and-comer Costello, he has remained long after his time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0o8by05rtMY

  1. Alfred Deakin

Fast/Medium Swing Right Arm
Measuring up at an impressive 183 cm in the 1900s, Alfred Deakin will take his spot as the first bowling change. A master of swing, Deakin could move those around him to entirely new positions with a simple delivery. In an impressive bit of early reverse swing, Deakin would move away from the shiny side and towards the rough from his first few overs.

  1. Gough Whitlam

Left Arm Fast
Continuing the David Boon tradition of big-man bowlers, Gough Whitlam’s impressive 194cm high figure will open the bowling. He’s a classic strike bowler, not always incredibly well controlled but entirely capable of getting results when it matters. As a batsman he slashes around a bit and his unorthodox style leaves him liable to be given out off controversial decisions.

  1. Paul Keating

Left Arm Fast
Nothing in Australian political history has quite the bite and venom of a Keating delivery aimed at your head. Standing at a moderate 182 cm, Keating’s springy action will more than make up for his lack of height. Not always the most exciting bowler, he’s surprisingly conservative at times but can turn an unwinnable match back in his favour with a flick of his wrist.

  1. Frank Ford 

12th Man
Only serving 8 days in office, Frank Ford will carry the drinks. Getting on and off the field as fast as possible he’s the only person able to keep up with Hawke’s gatorade consumption.

SPECIAL MENTION – Tony Abbott, while never Prime Minister at the time of writing, may well become Prime Minister in the coming year.

Something about Mr Abbott gives me the impression that he would bowl bodyline. It’s not necessarily ineffective, but some would argue the tactic isn’t really in the spirit of the competition and is actually more about injuring your opponent than defeating them. He might well be selected but that’s too depressing a prospect about the changing nature of the game than I feel comfortable dealing with.

—

Tickets for James Colley Vs. His Own Stupid Brain at the Adelaide Fringe are available now from FringeTix and through RiAus.

Click here for more information: http://www.adelaidefringe.com.au/fringetix/james-colley-vs-his-own-stupid-brain/fa131dba-a2dc-4fd4-bb58-e62a31287720

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Nov 05 2012
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To God, Re: Collateral Damage

To God,

Having not received reply to any of my previous correspondence, I feel obliged to publish this open letter to you regarding a topic that has been on my mind for some time.

We need to talk about collateral damage.

According to those angry white men you hire for public relation purposes, in recent years you have expressed your opinions regarding gay marriage through hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, shootings and even the occasional 9/11.

Now, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt because you invented the benefit of the doubt. I’m going to assume that, like an old man screaming at a cashier, you’re just confused and frightened. The fact is you come from a different time. Namely, the time before time. But for a being that reportedly loves everyone the idea of collateral damage must be of high concern. Perhaps in my previous letters I simply wasn’t direct enough but I feel I must state this as clearly as possible.

Your current behaviour is unacceptable.

We’re trying to have a nuanced political debate. We can’t have you expressing your opinions by throwing tantrums involving catastrophic climate events. We wouldn’t accept that from an obscenely powerful child, why would we accept it from the creator of the universe?

I understanding this is a recurring problem for you. One only has to look to the tale of Sodom and Gomorrah to see you are a little too willy-nilly with whom you’re going to turn into salt. Nevertheless, part of the responsibility of being all-powerful is to show discretion with how you use that power. You don’t see our most powerful nations indiscriminately dropping bombs from some remote controlled flying robot, do you? With great power comes great responsibility. Did you even watch Spiderman?

While I understand that the last time you sent an ambassador to our shores it didn’t end entirely as you envisioned I must stress that we as a people have moved on. We’ve evolv- sorry, we’ve grown.

So I wish to humbly request if you have an opinion on any issue that you wish to share with the human populace please use your words. Don’t do that thing where you only speak to a French peasant girl or Southern evangelical and expect the message to get to everyone. Communicate with us all. Go on CNN or something. Just let us know exactly what you want and we’ll do our best.

I hope to see you soon but understand that I almost certainly won’t.

Yours in You,
James Colley.

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Oct 30 2012
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Hurricane Not Caused By Homosexuals

“There are hardly any homosexuals on this screen” – Radcliffe.

Forgetting that all adverse weather conditions are caused by the magical powers of angered homosexuals, an ignorant scientist at the United States National Weather Service declared that Hurricane Sandy was caused by a low pressure system forming over warm ocean waters.

A statement released by senior meteorologists at the United States’s leading weather bureau hardly ever mentioned homosexuals, same-sex marriage or even talk show personality Ellen DeGeneres.

A spokesman for the National Weather Service said that while they’ve been monitoring same-sex couples for any evidence of meteorological influence so far they seem to just be going about their lives without causing even the slightest tsunami.

“If anything they seem incredibly patient,” said meteorologist Paul Radcliffe, “If I could control the weather I would immediately blow down the homes of every single person who treated me bad. Maybe not even their homes. Like, if they had a symbolic institution they met in once a week I would blow that straight down.”

It is expected that Hurricane Sandy will touchdown in New York City any minute now, presumably summoned by a same-sex couple to deliver their groceries or just wash their car.

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